矛盾。。。

It's 2.00a.m. Listening to the tapping sound of the rain.... I am staring at the screen of the computer.... I dunno wad I am looking at, somehow I just couldn't focus on wad I am looking at... I thought I was ok, I mean it's been months.... But somehow I am not.... The dream of mine seems so real, but I know it was just a dream.... I woke up and my eyes were warm.... Then tears started rolling down.... Falling in love with you was the largest mistake I have made...... 梦里的我要求好少好少，单是看着你就好满足。。。You have choose to move and I did the same.... But somehow I couldn't........

Jane is NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL... Jane is nuts! Green Tea noodles.... OMG.... Wad have gotta into me? Well... I guess I am really in love with you, green tea..... My sweet heart.... LOL.... As long as I am with you, I am complete..... Wahahahaha........ Not to forget chocolates... This box of swiss classic chocolates is beyond discription... They are yummy... When it melt inside your mouth, you feel heavenly..... I got this from my dad.... He bought this in euro... Well.. My mum told me that this box of chocolates cost around RM 150... LOL... But I guess it's worth it... Coz it's super delicious..........:)

:)

Well... I finally got the courage to take this necklace off my neck.... It's been weeks.... I have been hesitating whether to take it off or not... I am wearing this all the time... And now removing it, I have to admit it feels kinda weird... But I know I will soon be fine.. This will be the last photo I have wearing the necklace... I know it's all over... For those who know where and how I got this ring, you know how much this mean to me.... Well... It's all over right now... I need to move on... I am crying so hard... But I know I need to be tough........................................

1 Corinthians 13:4 - 7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices........

October 3......

Woww... It's been a long time since my last posting which is about a week ago.... Well... Exam's coming up... So a bit busy.... By the way, I finally found wad I love besides chocolates.... It's green tea... OMG... I am so in love with the colour and the taste of it.... Coz yesterday I drank Green Tea Macha.... It's fabulous.... OMG... I can still remember the taste of it.... And today when I went shopping with my mum, I look at all the green packages.... LOL... Am I out of my mind? Ugh.... After that, I ate green tea soft ice-cream.... OMG.... I am in heaven..... It's the best thing that happen in my life.. LOL.... Just joking... Anyway, it's yummy.... Well... I just met a guy in facebook today... He's from china but he lives in new york now.... He looks like a korean though.... That's wad I think.. LOL... Well... He asked for my msn id.. So gave him... Then we chat and chat and chat.... Then he told me he once have a girlfriend.... But he lose her in an accident... Car accident.... I felt really sorry for him.... And I actually cried out.... What I am thinking right now is.... Cherish everything that you have right now before it's too late... Before you lose them.... Everything in our life is temporary... Love those that you wanna.... Be sure to talk from your heart and tell the ones that you cares about how you felt.......... Well... I guess that's all.... Take care guys.........

Me......:)

:)

September27.....

Sorry coz I didn't update my blog for a long time.... Coz these few days quite busy.... LOL... Shaun... Shaun.... This few days gila already.... Every night we also chat for hours on the phone... Talk bout nonsense mostly.... Yesterday... Or should I say today morning? wadever lar.... Broke the record... We talked and talked and talked till 3.30a.m. OMG.... Really gila.... Shaun... You really have to study extra hard if you wanna excel in your exams.... You told me that you finally dun feel sleepy anyway when you are studying Sejarah.... Keep up the good work.... You really have to get good marks to prove that I am a good organizer....Helping you to organize your study schedule.... Dun make my disappointed... If you really leave, your friend adur and all of us ig gonna miss you a lot.... LOL.... So I guess that's it.... Good luck, I will cross my fingers for you........:)

September20....

Erm... I am kinda sleepy right now... It's because I haven't sleep since 3a.m... And now is almost one midnight.. That means I haven't sleep for almost 24 hours... I am exhausted, however I really can't sleep... I couldn't believe you really done this to me... Time out for three days to thing bout wad happen between us? I don't know... The past few days, I have been facing tons of problems... You are not even by my side to comfort me... You will never be there for me even if I really need you... You know I almost collapse... And it seems like you don't even care... I have been spending hours staring at the ceiling, weeping... And I really don't know whether I can still go on... Waiting for you is just like for the snow, USELESS and DISAPPOINTING......................

草于。。。9月1九日

我刚刚...看了Melinda的blog...其中最令我印象深刻的是，你多次强调你变了，你也说了我的性格有多差.... 或许你真的对了吧...我是一个很糟糕的人...我不愿意去相信任何人，更不愿意让外人走进我的世界里，来关心我，了解我...就算是我的好朋友，她们也不知道这个事实...往往以为表面上的我，就是真正的我....我是一个很复杂的人，为了不再受到伤害，我只好强迫自己坚强起来....不轻易相信别人，那就是我....我永远忘不了一年前发生的那间事...因为那一次的打击，使我无法从新振作起来...我努力欺骗自己，说再过一阵子，事情就会好起来....我不明白为什么我不能像你一样，从新找回自己，仍然能当作什么也没发生一样....承诺对我来说，已是一个谎言...我从一个单纯的女生，逼自己成长，成熟....之后，虽然还是无法把你忘掉，我总算能够好好得过日子...可是，我又再一次受到打击...我慢慢得失去了我的朋友...我对她们的不信任，使她们感到厌倦....这一年来，我都无法真正开心过...因为一次的争吵，使我们再也无法回到原点...回到大家无忧无虑，不互相猜测对方的生活....我已经相通了...我不要让任何人来管制我的生活....绚，我不会再无理取闹了....我要相信你，虽然我不是一个很好的朋友...在你心中，我只是一个没什么特别的朋友...但我再也不会这么理直气壮了...我要学会相信别人，学会疼爱我自己，学会珍惜友谊...就这样吧！！！！Melinda，我知道我们之间有很多的误会，但你愿意从新做我的朋友吗？以前的，过了，就让它随风而去吧....语绚说得没错，不是每件事，都要分对错.....大家一起回到出发点，好吗？？？

September18...

Today's a Friday... So embarrass. Coz when I am tuitioning at Teacher Patrick's place, my cell phone suddenly rang... To make things worst, I don't even know it was my phone... It rang about 15 seconds, I think... Then I only realized it was my phone.. Coz everyone looked at me... Gosh... I hoped I could just dig a hole and jumped into it... It was Melinda calling... Sigh... She called to tell me that it wasn't me she was talking bout in her personal message... It was name was Daniel, or is it Denny? Ugh... Wadever lar... Sigh.. Melinda, Melinda, Melinda... It took me a few days to think bout the problems that happen between us.. You said that you really are afraid of not having any friends... So wad I wanna say is that.. Please don't worry... You won't lose any of your friends... Just me.. And erm... Don't tell me that you really did change and how sorry you are... Just let everything be the way it is... Just like what Elaine said... The vase had broken, even if you try to repair it, it will not be as perfect as before.. It will still have blemish part... Trust me Melinda, it's the best for you and me... I really can't take it anymore if you hurt me once more... I will collapse... You don't know how many tears I have spent on you... I couldn't take it anymore... I am sorry... Please don try to explain how sorry you are to me anmore....................

September17...

Ugh.. Too busy to update blog... Sorry guys... Sigh... Being hurt by Melinda again... I am going to tell you loud and clear that, I am sorry... I can't handle this well... I am not a good person... Sorry I can't forgive you this time.. It's just that every time when I am being hurt by you... You just say sorry to me.. And expecting me saying never mind... Don't you understand?? I am sorry... You said that you hate Johor people.. Now once and for all I am telling you that get off my life.. You not only insult me... You insult everyone that is born in Johor... Wad the hell... Who do you think you are?? When I saw those words... I was really hurt... You said that you will change, you will change , you will change... But did you put it into action? The answer is no... Melinda... I am really curious wad kind of people are you... Your actions tell me that you really wanna be friends with me... But at the very next moment, you were talking bout stuff behind my back... I am sorry... Bout I told you yesterday, I am just trying to tell you my real feeling... Then you keep on repeating you will change... Then fine.. Okay.. I trust you... Then today, you were absolutely mad with me coz I told Jiang Zu wad you said yesterday... I really couldn't understand... Jiang Zu's my best friend... Why can't I tell her???? I am going to say that I hate you like you said you hate me... Coz I have promised myself... I will never hate anybody... From wad you told me yesterday... I knew that the reason you said sorry to me bout our last fight, is that you realized that nobody wanna talk to you, that's why you try to make me forgive you... When you told me that Jiang Zu don't even wanna talk to you, you were very upset... I am more sure of wad I had thought... I am very tired and I don't wanna think anymore... You know, a lot of my friends told me that I shouldn't waste my time on you... But wad did I do?? Again and again I tell myself that you are a friend of mine.. I will never want to lose any of my friend... But anyway, it's over right now... Please don't say sorry to me anymore.. I beg of you... I can't accept them anymore... So perhaps you could keep them... I guess this is the best for both of us.... Best of luck Melinda..... :)

草于。。。9月13日

今天是星期天，超累的。。。原因是昨晚太迟睡了。。。今天又要早起，要到教堂去。。。昨天是范益诚的生日，又老一岁咯。。。开玩笑的啦。。。昨晚，玩得超开心的。。。去到范益诚的家，我们还推推拉拉的，不敢进去。。。可是一进进去后，就招到他父母们热情的招待。。。呵呵。。。怪不好意思的。。我们大家一起谈天，一起游戏。。。真的好开心。。。那一瞬间，我真的把烦恼全都抛到九霄云外。。。看到章瑜跟Desmond在那儿打情骂俏的。。。我们都笑着说，又有一对情侣咯。。。可是现在啊。。又回到了现实。。。又要面对种种的问题。。。有一位朋友告诉我说，想少一点吧，那样事情会变得简单很多。。。他也叫我让一些，都顺其自然。。。我也跟我自己说好了，再痛苦下去也没用。。。往好的方面想吧。。。这样至少会开心一点。。。就这样吧。。。要做功课了。。。拜！

LOL.. This... Is my new violin... Nice huh? BUT... When you listen to me playing it... You will beg for mercy... I mean... Sigh... My teacher actually laugh at me when I am playing it... LOL... Fine... But I must admit that it's pretty awful... It's like... well... sound pollution... Get it? HEHE... Teacher Simon keep asking me to keep my bow straight... Then he ask me not to press it on the bridge too hard and blah blah blah... Haha... So I guess I really have to put some effort on it... ^.^

September11....

Bonjour... Everyone... Sorry for not updating my blog for quite a while... That's because I am quite busy recently... Tests, Tests, and tests... LOL... Today I just got back my BM paper.. And guess wad?? I got 93 for it... CHEER.... I never got that high marks for malay... I mean.. I hate malay.. But everything is different now... I have decided that I have got to improve it by reading malay story books... LOL... I know it must be very boring... But anyway, I will do it.... Sigh.. Tell you wad... My mum just told me that.. If I keep on crying like this, she will send me back to Johor... Which is my home town... How could you be so unfair? She said that new environment and new friends will be good for me at this situation... Right... I kinda agree bout wad she said... I mean... How many hours I have to spend before I am really asleep.. Sigh... I guess I will just surrender everything to God for he knows the best for me... ^.^Haiz... Tell you something... I just ate two large bars of chocolates... Omigosh... I felt like I am in heaven... LOL.... Sigh... I know wad are you thinking... Later diabetes then really in heaven... LOL... But I just can't controll myself... It's like.... When I am eating chocs, I can forget every single sad thing... HEHE!! So I guess that's it for today... Sweet dreams, Cherish....

Tell you wad....

Hey guys... I don't know wad and why... But I am gonna show you wad I wrote on apple blog....

September8...
刚刚,跟雨链,Melinda,彬莹吵起架来了... 不知道为何,你们根本不想听我的看法...雨链说是我的错,我愿意跟你道歉,是你的错的话,我愿意原谅你....为什么你连听都不听我说,感觉上就是想把 我赶走就对了...我用我最平静的心情,想跟你把事情搞清楚....你却跟我说话时每一句都带骨头...你说我之前很过分,在这里把Melinda骂得很 可怜,而且之后还把那一个post删除掉...我在这里想说的是,Melinda不是苹果帮的...突然在这里post comment,而且第一句就出口伤人,你觉得这样很合理吗?而且,她说,我怎么会有这样的朋友,还叫我不要再装了...这真的很过分好不好?我在这个 blog那么久,从来没在这儿提过她,她竟然就这样一开口就骂人....然后到后来,过了那件事之后,你跟我说你为什么离开苹果帮,我愿意当你的聆听者, 过后我还尝试帮你跟语绚谈谈...你要知道,那是在我post关于Melinda的过后你才跟我说的...所以你现在气我,我真的觉得很奇怪...之前对 我那么好,愿意与我分享你的痛苦,而现在又为了这么久以前的事气我....我不明白你们的看法...你说我跟以前简直不同了....我愿意接受...你对 我有什么不满,我也希望你会告诉我,我会改....真的...之前你告诉我说你相信我多于Melinda,是跟我开玩笑的吧?你知道我有多努力在阿帮你 吗?你之前跟我说的,我仔细聆听,然后几夜没睡想办法帮你....你说如果她们不想换一下性格,就由他们吧...你不想给他们压力...所以我才照你的方 法去做,不再理会这件事...而我换来的,却是你的不认同与怀疑....说真的...我没有半点觉得生气,只有觉得失望...你们所讨论的...就觉得百 分之百是对的...根本连听都不想听我的看法....我知道,我自己也有察觉到我比起以前真的变太多了....你只要告诉我,我都会改...虽然说我不确 定我能够彻彻底底把我怀习惯改掉,可是我会尽全力...真的.....有一点,真的让我很失望...你们全拿我来跟Melinda比较...你们 说....我觉得至少Melinda比Ham Shu Ying好很多...我听到这样的一句话真的很心疼,我再怎么差,你们也不用这样说吧?说真的,你们好好平静下来想一想,我真的有这样坏吗?你们不跟我很 熟，没有到最好的朋友那一种关系。。。你们就旦听外人所说，就判断我是坏人。。。这样对我公平我？你们甚至给我解释的机会都没有。。。我想。。。要回到从 前，应该不可能了吧？我不要求你们原谅我。。。我只希望你们听完我的解释后，会觉得好受一点。。。不要恨我。。。这是我唯一的愿望。。。那就。。。说到这 里吧。。。。


September9.....

Last post....

I have got nothing to say... I am completely speechless... I just wanna ask you guys(friends of Elaine) one question.... DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHO I AM? BESIDES MY NAME IS JANE... TELL ME... WAD DO YOU KNOW MORE THAN THAT? You guys don't understand the whole thing... Do you even know wad exactly happen? Do you know how much I have been through? You don't... You are all Elaine's friend... So automatically you guys know her more... And try to protect her from being bully.... But do you know me????? You guys don know a single bit bout me... And now you are telling me wad to do.... Do you think it's fair???? You don't know me... So please don make a conclusion of who I am.... One of you said that I have to believe my friends if I want them to believe in me... But Everytime I tried to believe her(Melinda), she just turn around and bite me instead... Do you even know that??? No you don't... One of you ask me to break up with my bf to know how it feels.... Now I will tell you that I have been through this... A thougher one... Only you didn't know... And today Sen Peng talk to Lo bout me.... Bout I love to pretend.... I wonder why? I never pretent in front of her.... I thought Sen Peng was my friend.... I thought friends don't have this kind of secrets between them.... Why can't you just tell me and see if I could change? Instead if talking behind my back... And you actually enjoyed it.... When I cried because of it, you actually smile so happily... I really couldn't understand you guys.... One of you actually said that I always cry, eventhough it was just a small problem.... Why can't you guys just understand? I am crying because of you.... I hope you could tell me my problem instead of talking bout it behind my back... Comparing me with others... Who's better and who's a jerk... I guess that's it... And Elaine.... I have no hard feelings toward you... You know I never will.... I am angry today because of wad other people did to me.... Not you... You know I never get mad with you... I just got dissapointed sometimes.... Coz you don't even wanna give me a chance to explain everything... Like wad happen the day before yesterday... Anyway, Elaine... Please... I'm sorry... Though I don know wad did I did that you don't like... But I hope you will tell me.... And erm... Friends of Elaine... I hope you guys enjoy taking over the blog... I am really leaving... This will be my very last post.... Coz I understand nobody will ever try to understand me and keep on making conclusion of who I am... A good person or a bad one.... And I could see that Sen Peng feels alright at this situation... She could still smile and all... Being happy with her friends.... Chatting around and joking around.... I guess that's the best for you... I won't try to get anybody to believe me anymore... Since I have learn that that is no use.... But Sen Peng, I will answer one question of yours in here... You ask Yee Xuan why I wrote that post yesterday.... And I am gonna tell you now... Evrery single post that I have post in here, I wrote it with my true feelings... I don wanna act and wrote that I am happy even when I am not... Yee Xuan told me that one day the truth will come out by itself... I guess all I need to do is wait for the time... And you guys will know automatically... No matter how much you all hate me... I am still gonna love you all... I know wad I am talking about... Seriously... Please don't think that I love to pretend... Though I don't know where you guys got that idea.... I am a person.... That talk from my heart... I did everything that my heart ask me to.... So I guess that's all.... Take care everybody... I just hope that you guys will feel better without me trying to explaining... Futhermore I am tired of explaining, you guys will know the truth one day... Oh yeah... I almost forgot... Elaine... Did you really broke up with your bf because of me? I am very sorry... I couldn't believe you did this to me... Is there any possibilities of you and Keith getting back together? Please? How could I? I have been so selfish... Because wad I think bout Keith, that make you guys borke up... I am very very sorry.... I hope you guys will be together again.... Seeing that you guys are together for that long... Please... I know you guys still love each other... I really feel guilty bout it... I am sorry... sorry... sorry... So I guess that's it... So good bye apple club... And for Elaine's friend, I hope you guys will be happy for wad I did.. Wad I mean is leaving.. Good bye to all of you!!!!!! Best of luck!

Sometimes.... No matter how hard you tried.... You still couldn't get things right.... Xuan, Zu.... You know how much I cherish you guys.... Through the ups and downs, we are still best friends.... It's hard to believe isn't it? Sigh.... I wish I never exist... Why are things so complicated??? In school, when we are sitting together... I really wonder if I am visible.... You guys just go on and on talking bout stuff..... I felt so left out... That's why I rather sit behind doing my theory alone... And when I tell you my problems... You said that I think too much...... Sigh.. I am speechless.... Haiz.... Things went worng... Really wrong.... And you didn't even notice.... I have been weeping for nights.... And I predict could run out of tears someday... Nvm.... No matter wad happens.... I just want you guys to know how much I cherish all of you... And if it's my problem.... Please tell me... I could change... Trust me... I could do anything just to get back to the starting point....

Failure...........

Wad have gotta into me? I have not sleep for 27 hours.... And yet, I still don feel like sleeping... Sigh... My friends told me that I am the kind of person that always think more than necessary... Am I? Well... Maybe they are right.. I don think I can go on anymore... High school is a nightmare for me.... I wish I could just wake up as soon as possible.... I know I changed a lot.... I have turn more mature.... And tougher as well.... But that just make things worst.... It' like our point of view is totally different.... Is it because I am a weirdo?? I guess that answers all of the questions.... Urgh... Conclusion that I just made bout myself.... Jane is a complete FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello there... Jane here... This few days I can't actually sleep well... I keep thinking and thinking over millions of problems... And that really hurts my head... Urgh.... So I have decided to create this blog to share bout things that happen to me recently... I don care if nobody's gonna view my blog... LOL... Just in case you think that wad I wrote is rubbish... Well... I guess that's all for now... Have a nice day all!!!!!!!!